The Egg is Flat


Good evening, everyone. What shape do you think the Egg is? Yes, you in the back? Excuse me? Can you talk louder please? Teardrop, I hear you say? Oh, a few voices say oval. Anything similar between these two shapes? Yes. None of you said "spherical" or anything with a third dimension. Teardrop is a planar shape. So is oval. You can draw them on a sheet of paper. Here is an artistic rendering of a typical Egg:

Notice anything? The Egg [clicks pointer] is flat.

OK, I know you have questions. You've seen Eggs, right? Y'all have, at one point in life, ever held an Egg in your hands. So have I. But the difference between you and I, when we are presented the Egg, is that I am the only one who thinks.

By "think" I don't mean worthless questions only sheep will ask, such as how to make cake. I mean philosophical questions. Like, do you think twice about the blatant government propaganda that the Egg is "round"? I bet you don't, which is why I'm here to give you a chance to think again. Inhale deeply, and connect your consciousness with your Deity of choice. Any Deity, except the Deity of Deception, will tell you with set-in-stone certainty: It's actually flat.

Let's do a simple experiment with household items. Find an Egg, a plate and a basketball. Drop the Egg on the ground. It breaks. Drop the basketball. It bounces right back. Then drop the plate. It breaks, as did the Egg. This is concrete evidence that the Egg is more similar to a plate, which is flat, than to a basketball, which is spherical. Conclusion: The Egg is flat.

An Egg can seem to roll off your kitchen table, but in reality, it is because of the turtles below it, whose means of locomotion remains a mystery but no further evidence other than this blurry photo taken in 2008 is needed to prove their existence. And has anyone seen a turtle carry spherical stuff? No, it would slide right off. Turtles can only carry flat things. Ipso facto, the Egg must be flat.

Please don't call me a skeptic. My attitude towards an Egg-related opinion is not always skepticism. I am open to new ideas, as long as they appear in the Bible at least once or on my favorite blog, Miss Interpretations, written by Karen White. I might doubt you for a minute or two as I flip through the Bible trying to find the sentence which seems to be in your version only, but as soon as you present me two pieces of evidence, which is more than enough to prove any biblical fact regardless of their relevance to the subject, I will accept your theory and defend it. In fact, this was how I was enlightened in the first place. At first, I was an innocent sheep like most of you, unaware that the "Round Egg" is a deliberate hoax made up by the Government, the NSA, the Illuminati and Target, tricking everyone in the pocket of Big Ova.

But the Flat Egg Society approached me. Last April Dave, a very handsome young man from Alabama, who drives a rusty pickup truck sporting a confederate flag and a Blue Lives Matter sticker, spoke to me the truth. I could not sleep that night. I couldn't help thinking about the sinister masterplan that was hiding in my fridge. I couldn't fall asleep with them in my house, so I left them in my backyard. The next morning, they were gone. I asked my nextdoor neighbor, but they said they didn't take them. Then who did? Who was spying on me that day, the exact same day when I learnt the truth, and confiscated from me their tool of indoctrination in the middle of the night? And can you imagine how many fellow Flat Eggers are under constant surveillance?

This is it, brothers and sisters, this is it. No longer shall the Big Ova mess with our true, holy, not-skewed-at-all perception of the world! Together we unite, together we are power! We the Flat Eggers will spread the truth, and end this deep state propaganda! The Egg Is Flat!

Thank you.

Thank you for reading the entirety of my shitpost. I began writing this on April 1, 2022 because I was drunk. I failed to finish it because I was drunk. It is April 12, and out of many things I could do I'm writing flat earther satire. This went too far. Help me.