How Your Ham Radio Can Help You in Wartime¶
2023-04-27
Note: This post is satirical. Please do not actually do this in a crisis. It is advised that you never do this in peacetime, either.
The radio amateur is patriotic. As ham radio operators, we are prepared to fight for our country in case of invasion. What makes us different from ordinary people is our skills and equipment. Here is how they can help you in wartime.
ICOM 7300¶
Few can match ICOM in build quality. This Japanese radio manufacturer is known to make products that last. Mere shockwaves and bulletshells simply cannot kill it. Solid as a rock, the ICOM 7300 is your perfect choice whenever you need some height, weight, or both. Can't jump because you lost a leg? No problem! Just step on your ICOM 7300, and get that aspirin in the medicine cabinet. Afraid that the nuclear shockwave might dismantle your tent? Just put four of them in the corners, and sleep like a baby — nothing's gonna blow away 15 kilograms today!
Yaesu FT5DR¶
Fabulous as it is, your trusty ICOM 7300 is not always there when you need it. Sometimes all you have is a portable radio, like the renowned Yaesu FT5DR.
So how can the FT5DR help you at the face of an invader? It's simple, but requires a fair amount of agility and precision. If you ever find yourself cornered, install the antenna, grip the FT5DR firmly, and stab them. If you hit them at the right spot, they will bleed, and drop their weapon. This is your chance to escape.
Bonus point! The FT5DR is IPX7 waterproof, which ensures the blood of your enemy does not damage the inner circuit board.
Baofeng UV-5R¶
The UV-5R is a budget mobile transceiver, rated 5W and covering VHF and UHF bands. Priced at $20, it is truly one of the most affordable beginner models, and there exists plenty of documentation, including schematics. This makes it an ideal choice for crafting IEDs. Once you have your detonator set up, leave it on the doorsteps of your enemy and wait for the dynamite to blow up.
Also, if you don't plan to make IEDs, the UV-5R makes a great flashlight.
Kenwood TS-890S¶
We saved the best for the last. What makes Kenwood stand out among its competitors is its experience in not only ham radio, but also professional hi-fi audio and entertainment systems. It is a venerable company in all these markets.
Kenwood makes hundreds of impressive products, and this model is no exception. It transmits over HF at 100W, operates on CW, RTTY and PSK, and has a fancy live spectrum monitor screen. Under ideal conditions, your signal can reach any corner of the world.
When you find yourself direly injured and none of the therapies seem to work, your Kenwood TS-890S can help you. First, wipe the blood off your hand because you don't want a short circuit in any of the connectors. Then, go somewhere to die alone. You don't want your radio waves to draw hostile forces to your squadmates.
Using the last minutes of your life, key out your callsign one last time. Your fingers might not be as swift, but your Kenwood compensates for it with near-perfect fidelity, even across continents. Broadcast your final message to the world over the air. Your friends will hear you. Your enemies will hear you. The intel agencies will hear you. People sitting in office chairs will not hear you, but if you try hard enough someone will complain to them about you. The message may consist of only a few words, such as "GM HR IS [your name] GOODBYE WORLD 73".
Purpose of this overcomplicated shitpost¶
I once saw a similarly titled article written by a ham who took themselves too seriously. In a war, either enlist and use the army stuff (which is better quality than most amateur rig anyway), or be a civilian and shut the fuck up.
You should never expose your location to invaders. Unfortunately, the antenna of a radio does exactly that. The only scenario where I would push the PTT button is if I fell into a hole, and radio is the only way out. Otherwise, there is absolutely no reason to help your enemy triangulate your air raid shelter.